i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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