I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
