Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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