btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.