i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
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Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
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Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.