i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend