You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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