I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
