Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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