it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
