I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
