i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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