Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
