So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
