ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
