I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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