you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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