I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just threw up on my dentist
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
