then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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