I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
