i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
