There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
