I hate your face
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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