It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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