Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
