i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
