8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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