I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I AM VODKA MAN
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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