my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
