Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
