She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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