he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
