So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
