My room smells like vodka and shame
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
