I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
