Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
