Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
