"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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