there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
