I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
