Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
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Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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