from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
