i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
