my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
