wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
