Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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