OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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