Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
