insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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