I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
