You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
