Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
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He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
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well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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