like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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