Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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