Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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